#5. Gender Identity?


Do you see yourself as a girl or a boy? Not gonna lie, but I’ve been asked this question many times. I’m pretty well-known to a few selected close friends in highschool for being a 'guy'. I do have friends who actually see me as a guy (let's not go there). I like to go by my alter ego name, Vance Amare. I don’t particularly see myself as a girl… Well, not completely.

If I can identify the type of gender I am, I would say that I am who I am. I don’t need to get a surgery done. I don’t need hormones to define who I am. I am who I am, but I like to dress as both genders. And I do feel in my heart that I can be both genders, just through clothes and make-up, or whatever. Like, I honestly don’t need to get a surgery done, if that makes any sense.

Back when I was a kid, I noticed at a young age (think I was about 9 or 10), I felt different. You could say I felt somewhat out of place. Of course, I’m technically born a female but I noticed I was always just stuck in-between. As a kid growing up in an environment where girls are supposed to girls and boys are supposed to be boys, I was really confused. I always felt that when I looked in the mirror, it just wasn’t my reflection. It was just a person that what my parents pictured me to be. I always had long hair back in primary school, almost touching my waist. I hated it so much even though everyone loved it. I’ve always wanted my hair to be short.

Not to mention that I was always stuck between what I like. I loved collecting trading cards… you know, Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh stuff… building a Gundam or random aircrafts. Then I also like making bracelets and having make-up, and stuffed animals. I don’t know what I want. Like, why can’t I have them both? I don’t understand why I had to go towards one way. Then I had an escape plan, TinierMe (they took down that online game here). I was a huge addict on that place, it was there that I could be a guy and actually convinced others that I was one. It was quite sad knowing that I’m a girl in reality, but hey, that was sufficient to make me happy then.

When I transferred to another highschool in 2011, I met Chris. A girl who accepted me the way I was. I told her how I felt that I was not meant to be just a girl. We talked about the issue for an amount of time, and the reason why we’re still close friends until now is because… we just accept each other. And I believe that we both relate to each other a lot. Believe me, Chris isn’t someone I’d see as a girl either. We both saw ourselves as guys… I think we still do.

Now I’m just gonna say this through my experience. You know how in highschool where the boys usually change into their sports attire in class? And the girls would go to some other room to change theirs? I’m not gonna lie, I felt really wrong. Obviously, I HAD to change my clothes with the girls. I felt so wrong, just really wrong, like I’m not supposed to be there. I didn’t feel like I should’ve changed there. Not saying that it would’ve made any better changing with the boys. What I’m trying to say is that… Either way just didn’t fit. Seeing the girls change, I felt like… a guy. Like wow, why are these girls taking off their clothes in front of me? Some guy would totally wanna be in my shoes right now man... AND I even felt wrong for thinking that, like WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN THINKING OF THIS.

Most of my close friends refer me as a  ‘he’. I don’t mind that. For me, pronouns is not that big of a deal. I can be a ‘he’ or ‘she’. I’ve never tried hormones. And I certainly never will. I don’t know why when I got into highschool, my voice got lower. It used to be quite high when I was in primary school. And my voice is still low compared to other girls in university right now. There are times where I dress up as a guy at a shopping complex, and still get passed as a guy so I guess… that works too? So to answer the question do I see myself as a girl or boy. Well, I think you know the answer to that. Peace.

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