#12. I Am Loved


Lyrics were meant to convey emotions and dynamics to emphasize what an artist is trying to portray. Words, they are the backbone of nearly every piece of music. What happens if there are no words? No dialogue? No... lyrics? What can we create with just music alone? Perhaps that's why people get that special kind of feeling when notes collide and clash because they work together perfectly to create a masterpiece. And nothing makes me happier, than listening to good music.

Sometimes I get upset when the music ends, because then I'm taken back to reality. Back to university. Don't get me wrong now, it's not that I dislike university. I just dislike most of the people that inhabited the place. The cafeteria is usually overcrowded. Sometimes students walk up the stairs real slow. People feel the need to stop every minute to talk or flirt and block my path to lectures. It annoyed me so much how much time they wasted talking about matters that don't even matter in the first place.

The only thing that I look forward after a long day is just Luka (my guitar), my other half, and my bed. Thankfully, these 2 made everyday bearable for me. And I'm going off track a little but now, it happens. I was actually looking up for the guitar chords for "Nano - Hysteria Acoustic ver". I didn't understand what I was looking, just a bunch of music notes that I couldn't understand. Took my guitar, I didn't play it. Instead, I clicked on the instrumental video to listen. 

And then, I closed my eyes.

I sat there, in the middle of my living room with a smile on my face staring at the singer in mind. Only, I noticed there wasn't a smile on Nano's. It was blank. Like the blank lines of an empty music sheet. I saw Nano in that state and slowly over the years filling the emptiness with notes of love and compassion. Then a song was written, a beautiful song at its end.

And then my eyes were opened. I started listening to the music over and over again, a tear staining my right cheek. Then I stopped. I tried to sing it, but I found myself sitting in silence. It's not that I wanted to stay silent, but whenever I tried to make a sound, the emptiness escaped from my lungs and through my lips.

I felt the emotion swelling up inside me. The chords, the music sheer, Luka, him... I got up and hid myself in the bathroom. It was there where I let out tears that I thought would never cease to end. The tears being an endless melody, crying out with the emotion of pain. Each note I sang was like a stab of pain, tear after tear. All the hurtful memories came back. But I know my past doesn't define me. It shouldn't have to. It has no right to.

I am worthless loved.

I am loved by the people that matter and care for me. I have a family member that understands me. I have friends that support me. I have an amazing other half that would never give up on me even when I've given up on myself. I have the music that sings of hope and tranquility. I smiled, and sang a lovely note, and my voice had finally come back. Words may speak a thousand times louder than human emotion itself, especially in a song, but sometimes the silence of music is a million times stronger.

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