#29. I'll Take Care Of Him


I've always been the kind of girlfriend that needed to know everything about my boyfriend's past. It's not about me wanting to judge him or anything, but I always sincerely believed that having him to open up, I would be able to learn what not to do. I ask about his past, because I care. If anything, I want to know him better myself in every way possible. I recall  after the first few weeks of dating Derrick, I eventually managed to muster up the courage to ask him about his past relationship. Eventually, I would share mine as well and we'd both talk about our past.

The happy times, the sad times, and the times that we realized this wasn't the person we wanted to be with for the rest of our lives. I told him about my very first love, how he lied, hurt, and lusted for me. Of course it took me forever to actually know he only realized I was something special after I left him. I fell, hard. I told Derrick about how insane it was to be so in love with someone, and the next thing you know, you hate him more than you loved him. I'm not proud of it.

Derrick never once made me feel bad for having those kind of thoughts and feelings of anger and resentment. Instead, he told me that I needed time. He also told me about his ex, as much as he wouldn't mind talking to her and be friends again, it has to happen naturally, not forced. But I know deep down he still wishes the best for her. That's the thing about the two of us, though we have been hurt in the past, and though our hearts are in completely different places than they once were, we are still so indebted to those past relationships.

My ex was someone I thought I would marry. After only knowing him for 3 months, I told him he was the man I wanted to spend forever with. I planned my entire future around him, only to have it come falling down right in front of me... Well, I've been hurt. Derrick seems to be grateful that my ex didn't appreciate me so that he's able to appreciate me today.

What about me? Yes, I am blessed beyond boundaries. I know how extremely difficult I can get when I fall into depression. And, in a way, I am glad Derrick's ex didn't appreciate him because I get to do that all on my own.

She may not have appreciated this man for all he was, but now I get to. I am so close to being able to spend the rest of my life with this amazing guy, and if it weren't for her, I know the roads wouldn't have aligned perfectly enough for that to have happened.

If he didn't find out that he loved how driven I was to compare it to his past girl's that weren't, he wouldn't have learned to appreciate my overwhelming love. If he didn't find out that I am a little over the top OCD clean, he wouldn't have learned to appreciate the moments when I let loose and am a tad messy. If he didn't get the chance to connect with me on a mental level, in a way, he could never connect and be more aware of his surroundings. He would have spent his whole life not realizing how everything dark has a small hope to it.

I love him so much.

Too much.

He's learned to love





and kinder.

To the girl who left him, I'll take care of him.

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